Lost...

How many times have i been lost? losing my identity. not knowing who i am. Who i am to others. I don't know.. probably many times.. Just had a Sam Adams light beer. Been drinking quite frequently now.. mostly at nite. Guess i want to not remember that im lost. but even after a drink. nth changes. its like.. im still having the same feelings.. but a lil bit more numb on the outside thou.. but the inside nvr change..

Why do i have these worries inside me? worry that i might brokedown one day knowing that there's no meaning for my existence. Knowing that i might not be needed in the world. As they all get their own meaningful ones.. i will just be ditched aside..

I don't know what should i do now.. Going back to Malaysia doesn't seem so special now and a part of me wanted to go back but another part of me doesn't. I wanted to experience winter here. but how about the coming summer? should i go back? probably not because i want to take some summer courses so that i can grad in a shorter period of time. Not only that. there's some issues with my apartment rental. As im renting wit two other msian girls. we are sharing the rent of the apartment. So, if i were to go back to msia in summer. the rent goes on because there is no reason for me to not have to pay for my part of the rent when im not around. the only solution is to not go home OR to find someone who wants to stay in my room for summer. That's kinda hard as i have most of my stuffs in my room. How is that person going to live in my room with all my stuffs there.. I would be too lazy to shift out all my stuffs to empty my room for that person. Crap! see.. its not like i dont want to go back.. i just have all these stuffs to worry about. So, please stop asking me to go back as part of me wanted to but i cant for some understandable reasons..

Guess im kinda drunk now.. or maybe i wanted to be drunk and i get drunk easily. Look how many time si used drunk in this paragraph.. probably im drunk. probably im not drunk.. Okay.. i sound like im drunk now..

These days are weird.. I always look in my MSN and scroll down the list to see who's online. There are ppl who i have in mind to talk to. but for some reasons.. i stopped myself. I don't know what to talk to them. I always had this worry that they might be busy or they just dont wanna talk to me. Maybe its not the right time to talk to them.. all these craps! someone please help me.. is this normal? does anyone has the same experience?

Its probably due to past experience when i talk to them. they simply tell me that they are doing something or they have something to do.. that really makes me feel unneeded. unwanted or watever... its just.. disappointing! but i know i cant blame them. i just at least would like them to u know.. say hi to me first when they are free to do so.. haha.. probably i felt lonely now.. yeah.. i think i am.. pitiful me.

I'm going to have my last midterm in this semester on wednesday. What i did was a sheet of notes.. not completed yet.. sometimes i think my weakness is that i oversimplify stuffs.. everything.. i made them look simple to me.. but actually its not.. it's not easy to make things simple thou.. i guess its m weakness to OVERdo it! as my advise! never overdo something..

alrite.. i donno wat else to write.. i should probably just get some sleep and go shopping tmr! gilroy! the factory outlet town! ahahhaa... owh yeah.. i bought my clothing for skiing in thanksgiving.. ehehe... it costs me quite a lot.. i think more than 200 dollars.. but i just have to spend it once.. hopefully.. =)